World Cup 2014 Football Speak: Picking apart the punditry
The World Cup swings into action next month and pretty soon all the competing squads will be selected and whisked off to training camps around the world to begin their preparation. Reports from South America have suggested that there’s probably more than a few doubts about whether Brazil will be ready when the cavalcade hits town, but back here in Blighty, we need to do our bit make sure we’re sorted and all prepped-up for the big kick-off.
Yes, we will hang flags from bedroom windows. Yes, for a few weeks face paint will be acceptable. Yes, we will all have those empty plastic-masts affixed to our cars because someone’s nicked the flag off the end when we were parked at Tesco. World Cup sticker albums? Love ‘em! T shirts emblazoned with ‘Three Lions’ images? I’ve got mine. Have you got yours? Television ads themed around the tournament are all welcome. Not forgetting, of course, the obligatory World Cup wall-chart pinned up in the office to record England’s progress to glory and triumph. Yes! Come on, England! “Three lions on a shirt. Jules Rimet still…..” Oh, sorry. I got a bit carried away there for a moment.
OK, all calmed down. I took a drink of coffee from my ‘World Cup’ branded mug, so everything is fine now. Anyway, I was going to say that in order to be fully prepared to enjoy the tournament in all its glories, you’ll need two extra things.
Firstly, with the cacophony of Babel-like babble from pundits far and wide, we need a way to de-cloak the mysteries of ‘pundit-speak.’ You know what I mean. We have a similar sort of thing in domestic football, where on television, that former professional player and failed manger ‘Fred Pundit’ will say something like “The wide man needs to hit the striker in the hole, early doors.” Now, as we’re all fairly accustomed to listening to this sort of in-house jargon throughout the season, we know that Fred is not imploring a man teetering on the very precipice of unlawful behaviour to land a right-hander on the jaw of someone who who has withdrawn their labour and positioned himself in an excavation – and to do it pretty quickly as well.
The trouble is that the World Cup only comes around every four years, so each time it does there’s a whole new lexicon of phrases and ‘football-speak’ to regale us with. It’s football-speak on a world stage. No-one’s going to say what they really mean. That’s why I want to offer you “The All Blue Daze 2014 World Cup Pundit Glossary of Terms and Phrases (complete with real meanings).” It’s a catchy little title, isn’t it? No? All right, I suppose you’re right, but that’s jargon for you. Let’s call it “What they said and what they actually meant” instead.
So, with half-a-dozen pundit-busting translations for a handful of subjects, here we go…
About Brazil:
What they said: “It’s the home of football, coffee and the samba. And of course Pele!”
What they meant: Outside of football and coffee, I don’t really know anything about Brazil, its culture or customs. Is a samba a type of sandwich? What’s a Pele?
What they said: “If it’s hot in the studio, it’s going to be really difficult to play football in such temperatures.”
What they meant: Will someone turn the air conditioning up please?
What they said: “The Brazilian people are so warm and welcoming.”
What they meant: The staff at my five star hotel are nice!
What they said: “The atmosphere around the country is intoxicating.”
What they meant: It’s got a free mini-bar!!
What they said: “You really need to jump in and let the delights of Brazil wash over you.”
What they meant: It’s even got a Jacuzzi!!!
What they said: “Brazil deserves their chance to host the World Cup.”
What they meant: They bid for it. It’s their own fault.
About FIFA:
What they said: “The FIFA World Cup is the biggest sporting event outside of the Olympic Games.”
What they meant: FIFA are going to make an absolute mint out of this!
What they said: “This World Cup will be watched by billions all around the globe.”
What they meant: FIFA are going to make an absolute mint out of this!
What they said: “For a month or so, the whole planet will be World Cup crazy!”
What they meant: FIFA are going to make an absolute mint out of this!
What they said: “There’s World Cup merchandise everywhere you look.”
What they meant: FIFA are going to make an absolute mint out of this!
What they said: “All of the games are a sell-out.”
What they meant: FIFA are going to make an absolute mint out of this!
What they said: “Whatever anyone says, the World Cup is all about football.”
What they meant: FIFA are going to make an absolute mint out of this!
About the Tournament:
What they said: “Welcome to the world’s biggest football festival. It’s great to be here to report on it all for you.”
What they meant: I’m getting paid to spend a month in the sun and talk about football, while you’re all at work. Massive Lols!
What they said: “All of the game’s top players are here. It’s when the cream of the football world comes together.”
What they meant: I’m here.
What they said: “FIFA have brought in a new ticketing system to make it much easier for the true fans to get to the games”
What they meant: Nope. Nothing’s changed at all really.
What they said: “It’s great to see that so many tickets have been made available to the true fans.”
What they meant: For the unimportant games that no-one wants to see that is.
What they said: “The stadium is brand new.”
What they meant: The paint is still wet.
About tactics:
What they said: “It’s disappointing that there are no new innovative approaches to free kicks.”
What they meant: Do you remember the time I flipped that one into the top corner against Walsall in 1983? Best free kick ever. Have you got the video of that?
What they said: “This squad have had so many coaches of late it’s difficult for the players to settle into a system.”
What they meant: When will it be my turn to manage them?
What they said: “Now that’s a totally new tactical innovation.”
What they meant: I have no idea what’s going on.
What they said: “This is a game between two teams committed to attack.”
What they meant: This is a game between two teams unable to defend.
What they said: “The tactical approach has made this a game for the purists.”
What they meant: It’s 0-0 and it’s boring.
What they said: “How do they play? Well, I’m glad you asked me that. Sometimes they use 4-4-2 or 4-4-3, and occasionally play with wing-backs or a false number nine.”
What they meant:Don’t ask me. I’ve never seen them play before, so I’ve got no idea.
About players:
What they said: “He’s the sort of player that could definitely do a great job for a top Premier League club.”
What they meant: His agent has offered me a cut if I can get him a big money transfer.
What they said: “The biggest players turn it on when on the biggest stage.”
What they meant: They never really put much effort into it normally.
What they said: “Some of the best players here are from Premier League clubs.”
What they meant: Some of the most over paid players here are from Premier League clubs.
What they said: “Being a success in the World Cup could make a player a world star.”
What they meant: Being a success in the World Cup could make a player a millionaire.
What they said: “He’s the general of the team; the midfield player who dictates the play.”
What they meant: He’ll stroll around the centre circleall day, expecting everybody else to run around for him.
What they said: “He went to ground very easily for that penalty.”
What they meant: Dive!
About other countries competing:
What they said: “You simply have to admire the intricate geometry of Spain’s possession football.”
What they meant: Boring.
What they said: “This Belgian team can become the ‘Brazil of Europe.’”
What they meant: I never realised that all those players were Belgian! Hazard, Courtois, Kompany, Lukaku? I thought they were all French.
What they said: “Germany will always be competitive.”
What they meant: Germany will always be competitive.
What they said: “The Italians are always ruthlessly efficient.”
What they meant: The Italians always beat England.
What they said: “When Brazil face Argentina, it’s like England against Scotland.”
What they meant: When Brazil face Argentina, two of the best teams in the world face each other. When England face Scotland, two of the best teams in Britain face each other.
What they said: “With Ronaldo in their team Portugal could be outsiders to win the tournament.”
What they meant: They won’t.
About England
What they said: “A dead ball situation could be England’s best chance of a goal.”
What they meant: A dead ball situation could be England’s only chance of a goal.
What they said: “It’s always a difficult game when England face (insert England’s opponent’s name here). They’re our bogey team.”
What they meant: Time to book the flights back home.
What they said: “England face a penalty shoot-out.”
What they meant: England are going out!
What they said: “There’s a growing belief that this young England team can really deliver.”
What they meant: No there isn’t.
What they said: “It’s a ‘do or die’ game for England.”
What they meant: It’s ‘die.’
What they said: “I’m not sure that Roy Hodgson knows what his best team is.”
What they meant: Hey, Greg Dyke. Giz a job!
So there you have it. When you tune in to the World Cup and the assembled glitterati of world punditry are offering up their thoughts, you’ll know what they really mean. Oh, yes. There’s the second thing that we’re all going to need isn’t there.
Next week, I’ll be offering the “All Blue Daze – Bluffers Guide to the World Cup.” I’ll give you the facts, stats, and casual gems of information that you can drop into any World Cup conversation and simply blow your friends and colleagues away. You’ll be an encyclopaedia of trivia, a doyen of football knowledge, but cool enough never to be an anorak. People will simply look at you in awe and admiration. And all the time, you’ll know they’re thinking, “I wish I’d have said that.”
Until next week…
Is there anything you would like to add to All Blue Daze’s list? Leave a comment below!
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