The Offside Rule Agony Aunts: A Few Words From Super Mario

 

Dear Hayley, Lynsey and Kait,

I’m back! It’s a strange feeling to have not written to you ladies before, but I’m just not the type to sit down and write. The shift in my career recently has positioned me into thinking a bit more maturely now – at least that’s what my new gaffer says. Mr Rodgers told me in training this week to start marking at corners and set pieces, or else ‘put up and shut up’. Isn’t that a strange request?

Returning to the Premier League is giving me that old itch, dearest aunts. Just how do I stop myself escalating again? I would love to do something completely insane. So many footballers live a plain lifestyle despite the huge wage they earn. Why? Life is for living – and no, I don’t read Joey Barton’s philosophical tweets. By writing to you, I hope you see that I am recognising my past failures (all a matter of psyche). How many other letters do you receive from players who use school toilets and hand out money to the public? Okay, so the latter was a rumour but it’s a stunt which isn’t beyond me. They say there is a fine line between genius and madness. You all know where I belong.

Writing to you is quite cathartic. I get to talk about myself without hurting anyone else. Ah, if only Roberto knew, things may be very different now. There hasn’t been much communication since the training ground bust-up until recently, where we exchanged text messages of a neutral stance after my goal against England at the World Cup.

Behind the playboy image, I guess the question is, do I have it in me to become a Premier League legend once and for all? Honestly, I’ve got niggling doubts (hence writing to you and not admitting it on social media which would not go down well with my PR team). They all seem rather nice at Liverpool, it’s not so high pressured as it was at City. Does nice ever win the league though? Can I, Italian poster boy, finally mature, stick to my identity AND score goals? These are the questions, which I’m sure your expertise will help in some way. If not, fancy a whizz in my car?

Thanks!

M.B  

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