Offside Rule Agony Aunts: A word from an optimistic Aston Villa boss

Dear Hayley, Lynsey and Kait,

The black death has apparently arrived in the Midlands. I’ve been trying to get on the phone to the local GP, but it’s hard to book any sort of appointment nowadays. You have to be on your death bed before anyone gives the slightest of inclination about you.

Hope you don’t mind agony aunts, but I’m starting to become worried with the rate at which my players are dropping down like flies. What can I do to stop the rot?

The 3-0 defeat against Arsenal wasn’t so bad. My boys put in a shift without Darren Bent, Nathan Baker and Ashley Westwood. The virus is spreading and I’ve warned my players to stay away from hanging about after training for the foreseeable weeks. Roy hasn’t been so keen on the idea; with his coarse voice, he barked that the virus would only last three minutes and the boys should just ‘man-up’. He said it with such assurance, I wasn’t sure if that was his dry humour or medical ‘expertise’!

Overall, I’m pleased with how we’ve started the season. As I write to you, we sit snug in the top four of the Champions League spots – although I’m well aware that can change by the time you receive this. As you can tell from my continuous alignment of grey jumpers, I’m not a betting man. But I’d suggest we are the dark horses for a top seven finish. Mark my words (but not my bad cough).

Must finish off this letter now. Keano is knocking on my office door. The more time we spend together, the more I feel we’re morphing as one. He may have the look of a forlorn mariner stuck at sea, but he is definitely the perfect anchor for me. Call me daft, but he’s definitely been our best signing all summer. Good times lay ahead!

Best,

P.L

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