A Survival Guide for Manchester United fans – How to cope if Liverpool win the Premier League

By All Blue Daze. I’m no Manchester United fan, but I know more than a few people who are and, without exception, there’s a dread realisation beginning to sink in that this year, could be the year. A mere twelve months after Sir Alex Ferguson retired from his watch guarding the ramparts, the Reds may be back.

When Ferguson joined United back in 1986, he declared his intention to ‘knock Liverpool off their perch.” For readers not of a certain vintage, it may be hard to understand the task that such an aspiration represented, but suffice to say that at the time Liverpool were not only the dominant club in England, they also held that distinction across Europe. The Anfield club last secured the title back in 1990, and for the twenty-four years since, that particular ‘perch’ has been vacant. Brendan Rodgers’ 2014 vintage red however may just be getting ready to reclaim it.

Of course United’s fans weren’t too pleased when Roman Abramovich turned up and transformed Chelsea into genuine threats. Wenger at Arsenal became somewhat of an irritant, but that’s fallen away of late. Blackburn? Surely that was just the epitome of a blip. Even City with that “Aguerooooo!” moment, although it left a deep scar, was survivable. After all, everyone has to put up with ‘noisy neighbours’ now and again.  But if Liverpool actually won the title… Liverpool…

So, for all United fans who would see such an event very much as an ‘End of Days’ type scenario brought to stark reality, as innumerable Liverpool fans emerged from hibernation, here’s something to help you cope with that nightmare scenario. It’s my “Survival Guide for United Fans” should the worst, the very worst happen, and Liverpool become champions of England again.

For ease of consideration and selection, I’ve split this up into a few different approaches, and then offered a illustrations of how each could be deployed, together with the advantages and disadvantages. So, just in case Steve Gerrard lifts that big trophy next month, and you end up face-to-face with a celebrating Liverpool fan, pick your approach, select your method and hold on tight. It could be a rough ride!

Approach 1 – Plausible Deniability:

• “Liverpool won the title? Don’t be ridiculous. Someone’s having a joke with you. It never happened.”

Advantages: 

Not many. It may gain a brief half-second’s doubt in your accuser’s mind, but such satisfaction will surely be very limited, and lead to an intensified taunting

Disadvantages: 

Hardly plausible at all in fact

• “Liverpool won the title? Did they? Oh, well done. To be honest, I lost interest in football a couple of years ago when we won the title for the twelfth time since you last won it. It had all just got a bit boring” (Adding a stifled yawn here is a good adornment to the approach).

Advantages: 

Entirely based on fact

There’s a nice little ‘put down’ buried in the deployment

Disadvantages:

Invites the retort that of course you’ve never been interested in football. You’re a United fan.

Could be a ‘no win’ scenario. If it’s believed, you’ll be treated with disdain. If it’s not believed, you’ll be called on it.

• “Well, it’s about time. We haven’t even been trying for the past five years. We even let Sir Alex retire and hired David Moyes as a handicap to give someone else a chance.”

Advantages:

Almost believable arrogance. Almost.

Can it be disproved?

Disadvantages:

Transfer fees spent don’t really offer support to the argument.

Nobody is really going to believe it, are they?

Approach 2 – Extenuating Circumstances:

• “You only won it because Sir Alex retired and we got lumbered with David Moyes.”

Advantages:

There’s strong empirical evidence in support. Ferguson went twenty-odd years without letting Liverpool win the title.

Well, Moyes hasn’t exactly been a roaring success has he?

Disadvantages:

Likely to get the “who cares. We’re the champions!” response.

It could also get the “you only won it ‘cos of Ferguson, anyway!”

•  “It’s just a fluke. Even Blackburn won it once. Come back when you’ve won it twice on the bounce!”

Advantages:

It’s true, which is always a good start.

At worst, it could buy you twelve months’ grace. In which time, United could put their house in order and win the title back.

Disadvantages:

The same argument was used against Chelsea fans in 2005. They were back the following year with a second title. Ouch!

If you use this approach and it goes against you, you’d better find a good place to hide.

Approach 3 – Something more important is going on at the moment

• “Look, the World Cup is on and if England can become World Champions, that’s better than someone being champions of England!”

Advantages: 

It’s true. Well, a little bit true anyway.

It may buy a bit of time.

Disadvantages:

England? World Champions?? Seriously???

Any, even partial, England success could well be built on Liverpool players. Gerrard, Johnson, Sturridge, Henderson and Sterling could all figure prominently. West Ham fans will still regale you with stories of how their club ‘won the World Cup’ for England back in 1966. If the impossible happens, Liverpool fans may, no surely will, claim a similar accolade. Remember, you’d said it was important. Caution in these matters is always a wise move.

Even a half decent England showing will quickly be forgotten when the new season starts.

• “Sorry, can’t concentrate on that sort of thing. It’s the Cricket/Rugby League/Athletics/Grand Prix (delete as applicable) season now.

Advantages:

Well, it’s true I guess.

Disadvantages:

Seriously?

Approach 4 – Hide

• Emigrate

Advantages:

You’ll get away from all the Liverpool fans that you know.

Disadvantages:

You’ll find new ones.

• Disguise – Grow a moustache, don a permed wig and adopt a strange walking style.

Advantages:

Your Liverpool supporting friends will never recognise you.

Disadvantages:

Scousers may think you’re one of them and want to talk to you about how the ‘Pool took the title away from ‘those Mancs.’

• Fake your own death

Advantages:

It offers a clean start, doesn’t it? You could always reincarnate yourself as a City fan. That way, you’re likely to keep winning trophies anyway.

Disadvantages:

Let’s be honest, it’s a bit drastic. I mean, I know it’s the end of the world, but you’d need to change your name and ID, find a new job, move house, even ditch the wife. Hang on, actually…

With United being the dominant force in football for so long, there’ll be a chunk of their supporters who have never known anything but success. I know a few such people. This season has been the sort of reality that slaps you in the face to wake you up, rather than gives you a gentle nudge. If Liverpool do go on and win the title, it will hardly soothe a troubled soul.

After so much such success, the wall is awfully high when you fall off it. A Survival Guide might the very thing required. I hope this one helps. I’m just not if it will though..

Will Brendan Rodgers guide his club to glory this season? How can Manchester United bounce back from this campaign’s slump? What advice would you give to a United fan if Liverpool were to achieve the unthinkable?

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