The Offside Treble – FIFA find nothing wrong with Russia and Qatar bids, Bigger the face the more players will score and Ozil wins the Laureus Sport for Good

GOOD NEWS for talent scouts this week, as boffins (which I believe is the technical term for “scientists”, if you are a writer of irreverent, light-hearted news pieces) at the University of Colorado Boulder have found that you can predict a player’s prowess on the pitch by… mapping the structure of their face!

“But what is this witchcraft?” I hear you ask. By studying the facial width to height ratio of 1000 players who took part in the 2010 World Cup, scientists found that the higher the facial width to height ratio of a midfielder or forward, the more likely they were to foul but also – in the case of the latter – to score goals and make assists.

But why on earth would it even occur to you that the cut of someone’s jib might be a predictor of their likelihood to score goals? Well, apparently previous research indicates a higher facial width to height ratio could be linked to aggressive behaviour. There could be something in it – look at the Mitchell brothers who, admittedly, don’t play football.

Ronaldo - Big face, lots of goals

Ronaldo – Big face, lots of goals

I Hate You So Much Right Now

Meanwhile,are upsetting absolutely everyone, again. Having published their report into alleged corruption, FIFA have – in news that will shock no one – found Russia and Qatar’s bidding processes to be clean as a whistle, but bizarrely taken a pop at the FA for not complying with bidding rules.

The report which was instantly rubbished by everyone apart from Russia, Qatar and FIFA, has upset Head of the FA, Greg Dyke – who branded the report a pointless joke. A pointless joke that offers us the following learnings:

1.An £84,000 watch is a PRESENT not a bribe, and it’s appropriate to buy PRESENTS for people you’re trying to influence.
2. It is not appropriate to let someone else’s squad train in your country if you’re trying to influence them.

OH FOR GOD’S SAKE, SEPP! WIND YOUR NECK IN! If you were the head of a global governing body with no actual mandate to govern anyone, clearly/allegedly bent as a five bob note and looked like the sodding Dungeon Master, would you draw attention to the fact that you’re basically holding the football world hostage under your inexplicable dictatorship, or would you just keep your head down and hope no one noticed? Maybe he’s still reeling from being played by Tim Roth rather than Gerard Deardieu in the £16m movie/propaganda about how nice Sepp Blatter is – something FIFA funded earlier in the year.

Heal the World

And from one (probably) dastardly deed to a great act of kindness, Arsenal midfielder, Mesut Ozil was this week presented with a prestigious Laureus Sport for Good award in his native Germany.

Ozil took the rather generous decision to donate his ‘well done for winning the World Cup’ bonus to a children’s charity in Brazil, after his team’s victory there in the summer. A total of 23 children (one for every member of the German squad) were put through successful surgery thanks to his kind donation, the results of which Ozil said he was “thankful.” Finally, he pledged that this was just the beginning of further projects for disadvantaged children. See Sepp, it’s nice to be nice.

Read more from Jen Offord here!

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