Football Cabinet reshuffle: Imagine if Arsenal leader Arsene Wenger was PM and announcing his new line-up?

Would a parliament comprised from the football industry more accurately reflect the nation’s views? Whether you’re ebullient or disenchanted after the election, here’s a chance to take a break from it all and have a bit of a laugh.

In a move designed to further amplify cries for a federal British league system, only players from England’s Premier League and WSL 1 have been deemed eligible for this highly important experiment. Welcome to Emma Whitney’s UK government Cabinet reimagined . . .

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Prime Minister: Arsene Wenger

Loved and loathed by his party, Arsenal, Wenger won the respect of his adopted country by encouraging fiscal shrewdness and championing youth opportunities. A veteran in this Football Cabinet, he has held the seat of Highbury-Emirates for 19 years. Well respected in Europe, Prime Minister Wenger enjoys cordial relationships with Munich, Paris, Monaco and Barcelona. Nevertheless, for the past four years he has failed to take his Football Cabinet’s agenda past the knockout stages on the Continent.        

Chancellor of the Exchequer: Mario Balotelli

A controversial choice, the flamboyant Balotelli surprised everyone by following a policy of economic caution. This worked at first, with his scheme of personally touring the country in his ministerial car to hand out benefits winning support. A less effective policy was Balotelli’s enthusiastic embrace of Bonfire Night, with government spending on fireworks tripling. This resulted in an embarrassing incident where the bathroom of No11 Downing Street had to be evacuated. Questioned on whether such exploits negated Balotelli’s suitability for a senior Football Cabinet role, Prime Minister Wenger commented: “I do not know, I did not see it.”

Home Secretary: Eniola Aluko

A trained lawyer, Aluko’s experiences in English grassroots football and the big leagues of America give her both a global perspective and popularity. A growing figure on the national stage, in September 2014 Aluko became the first ever female Football Cabinet member to appear on the BBC’s flagship politics show, Match of The Day. Much will be expected of Aluko during Canada 2015, where she will be looking to advance England’s cause especially.   

Foreign Secretary: Jose Mourinho

They say diplomacy is all about charm and confidence, so there were understandable concerns that the shy, retiring Mourinho would struggle in this role. Instead, ‘Mou’ has confounded expectations, encouraging his Chelsea party to cherry-pick the best young talent in Europe, then kindly dole said talent out to other, less fortunate, football clubs. Mourinho supports celebration of the world’s oldest alliance, the Anglo-Portuguese Treaty of 1373, and has strengthened links with Lisbon, Porto and Milan. Relations with Madrid remain frosty.    

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Defence Secretary: Joey Barton

A regular on the famous BBC highlights package Question Time, Barton is well-known for his famous ‘three-pronged attack’, perfected on the pitches of east Manchester in May 2012. Time spent in France since has mellowed him. An avid tweeter, and the only member of the Football Cabinet to have spent time ‘inside’ and undertaking a philosophy degree, supporters still hope he will one day form a mod supergroup with junior minister Leighton Baines.  

Education Secretary: Frank Lampard

Lampard controversially switched allegiances from Chelsea to Man City last summer, choosing to stay in British football rather than taking his expected sabbatical to America. New York was further enraged when he chose to stay in Manchester for the remainder of the season. A strong start to his year in a lighter shade of blue has since tailed off, though ‘Lamps’ still has time left to ensure every school in the country that teaches Latin will receive a complementary set of Frankie’s Magic Football books.    

Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport: James Milner

After beating fierce competition for the job from Yaya Toure, whose birthday cake policies won widespread support, Milner has proved a competent if slightly wild Culture Secretary. Drinking Yorkshire Tea is now compulsory, as is sending only parcels tied up with brown paper packaging and string.  

Follow @emmalucywhitney

Read more from Emma Whitney here!

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