The Offside Agony Aunts – Red hot striker and struggling gaffer

Picture2     Are you the spring version of Santa? Because if you are, I must confess to you that I have been a very good boy (as well as being a super-duper-player). I took your advice from your pre-season drop-in surgery last year. Since then, I have blunted my teeth and sharpened my skills. No one is laughing at me now!

I have had some problems of late, which my manager has not known about. Even Kolo doesn’t know – it would be too risky with the amount he gives away. I am beginning to believe in superstition, but it is an old problem escalating since last August. Every Friday night, I decide to pop into my local Poundland store – don’t ask me why, but let’s just say Uruguayans need to enjoy simple pleasures. When I put my hands into my pockets, I only ever have a pound coin left. No notes, no cards, just a one pound coin. This reoccurrence has been troubling me since Arsenal did that stupid bid. Are there no morals in football anymore?

I’ve had a great season so far, and it is coincidence that the Arsenal have been involved my highs and lows. Following the Anfield mauling, the FA Cup exit at the Emirates was a painful, bruising contest. Having escaped death in Pamplona during my midweek break, the Ox crashed into my thighs. This young ‘Ox’ player needs to be restrained from his red mist, or he’ll cause major damage – I am sure of that.

One last question – my agent keeps on forwarding messages about joining a programme called “Splash”. Do I accept the invite, or as my mother says, find out more after my football career?

Thank you for your continuing support. It really has been a help with adjusting to England and Liverpool. I hear you have a tanning salon in Liverpool? I’d be happy to help any cause you wish to fulfil in the future. 

Yours sincerely,

Luis Suarez

What advice would you give to the Uruguyan on how best to adjust to life in England? And how do you think the Premier League’s top scorer would get on in Splash?!





It’s been a while since the last time we spoke. Can you recall when we abruptly bumped into each other backstage at the Sports Personality of the Year Awards? I have to admit, it is an agonising memory that’s scarred my pale, Scottish heart. All the trophies adorning Sir Alex, including the Community Shield on stage – in front of my own eyes! I will never forget that, but don’t tell anyone…

If you’re looking for developments since my move to Manchester, then I must admit defeat. I’m beginning to believe in bad luck. The ghosts of Busby follow me everywhere (the club doctor says it’s insomnia). I’ve sidestepped a ladder on my way to Greggs and made sure not to step in the cracks in the pavements. Brave, huh? Last Friday night during another Manchester storm, I decided to undertake some drastic measures by drowning a witch. Mistakenly, it was Marouane Fellaini.

I cannot emphasise what my hair has been through in the past six months. Bad luck has been seeping through me like a foul flood. My wife says those living in flood hit areas don’t have it as bad as some. Was she referring to Bangladesh? Or was it a reference to those watching football in the Conference? My attention has been admittedly hazy of late, reading the biographies of Alex Ferguson, George Graham and Alex Salmond…

I’m hoping my luck changes in the next couple of weeks. Perhaps I’ll put some lucky charm cookies in the canteen to get Robin and Wayne to sit on the same table again? Must dash now. Waiting for Amazon to deliver my Waving Fortune Cat, before I meet a lad who goes by the name of ‘Rene’. The season can surely be turned around…


David Moyes

How do you think the Manchester United manager can turn his side’s fortunes around? A change in formation or perhaps the Scot needs to cross his fingers, touch wood and find a four leaved clover to get their club out of their slump!

The Offside Agony Aunts are brought to you by Shafi Musaddique

Follow @ShafLdn

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