The Offside Agony Aunts – an unwanted and unloved Dutchman

Picture2 I’m feeling sick as a parrot. It is for that reason I’m writing to you in exile. A dark, horrible enclave up north somewhere. I didn’t even bother to check, following my departure from SW6. Apologies if there are a few droplets on this letter- writing in candlelight is a hazard. Considering I’m currently unemployed, every little helps.

Who would have thought I would start the year in Manchester and end up rotting in a motorway service station running away from it all, via Fulham? It was bad enough being shifted out by Gary Neville’s little brother first time round. But it just got worse. Me and Martin Jol used to be best pals, going for drinks at the local watering hole. Yes, drinking the River Thames isn’t advisable, but we both shared the pain. Jol left me with strikers that couldn’t roll up their socks. And then that Bulgarian applied for a Hollywood role on the shores of Monaco! The slick thing invited me to visit his yacht now I’m a ‘free man’. Choice words – mental note made…

My wife and kids are looking for a change of scenery now. I’ve told them to get ready to pack up and go up north. With my Dutch/Northern accent, I’m banking on the demise of Alan Pardew. Or Mark Hughes. Or Gus Poyet. I have my bookies receipt somewhere…

What’s the next challenge in store for me? Spain? Italy? I’ve earmarked Qatar in my atlas, definitely it’s the next place to be! After a horrid Valentine’s day, a bit of sun might actually put me back in Mrs Meulensteen’s good books.

I’ve signed on at the Job Centre. Can’t be late. Looking forward to hearing from you, what’s in store for me?

Kind regards,

R. M

Where should the much-travelled Dutchman turn next? Why is he having such a tough time of things of late? And what really happened at Fulham?  
The Offside Agony Aunts are brought to you by Shafi Musaddique
Follow @ShafiLdn

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