The Offside Agony Aunts – “Spanish Style” Scapegoat from Manchester

Picture2 Have you ever watched Pointless? I’m sure you have flicked through it at some point on a grey afternoon in the edit suite. The aim of the game is to find the answers with the lowest points to win. It seems that my obsession

for Pointless is coming to fruition on the pitch. To be completely honest, I feel my personal development is nowhere near as it should be. My football is, to be frank, pointless. If Stan Collymore says so on national radio, surely it must be true?

But I shouldn’t read the petition that some jolly good fellow posted online about me, should I? My heart sank reading about a petition to ban me from the World Cup. I feel like the Greek God who tried to hold the sky up on his shoulders or Piers Morgan after a Twitter battering at the hands of Lord Sugar. Zeus conspired against me last week, as I was ‘deemed’ responsible for the ruin that happened in Athens in midweek.

I am beginning to believe the suffering of Manchester, the north, the Northern Hemisphere and global warfare is down to me. What can stop this poisonous thinking?

Finally, as I walked into my childhood bedroom on the return to my parent’s house, I found posters of crabs plastered to the wall. Is this a cruel joke played out by fate? Some have 20/20 vision. I, on the other hand, have sideways vision; walking, drinking, and passing sideways. It’s a habit I’ve subconsciously picked up since watching a David Attenborough documentary aged five. On second thoughts, perhaps the London Aquarium trip with the kids is a bad idea?

I hope I get the call to get out of here and go into the Brazilian jungle. Can I make it? Is it really doom and gloom for me? I could really do with a sports psychologist set up by the national team; even if it’s to stop this dreadful sideways stutter to Manchester mediocrity…


Tom Cleverley

Is it right that England fans have set up a petition that could potentially cause unrest in the squad? What is the reason for the Manchester United midfielder’s slump in form? And will he rediscover his mojo in time for Rio? 
The Offside Agony Aunts are brought to you by Shafi Musaddique
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