The Offside Agony Aunts – Faltering Forward from France

Thank you for the bottle of hair gel you delivered to me last week, you really saved me from total embarrassment. I can never face doing my media duties without my hair in tip top condition. I’m sure you all know that feeling?

One must look elegant at all times, whatever the cost. 

Yet, it is this virtue of mine that turns into a vice, and alas I write to you about my recent demons. Many look at me only for my looks, and not for my ability. This has made me insecure, and as a result manifested for a couple of months onto the pitch with some shaky, dry and flaky performances. As a Frenchman, this is not acceptable. May the Lord Thierry forgive me. 

Some vices I have held have taken their toll, as I’m sure you’re well aware of as I clog your Twitter timelines with my domestic problems. I hope you’re ready to dish out some Sigmund Freud! 

Apart from my antics, it has been a scoring-scoring year for me so far. It couldn’t have got better with another brace to seal the FA Cup semi-final slot. One thing’s for sure – I’m glad it’s in north west London. My boots seem to lose their touch outside the M25. I’ve tried training with “Walking on Sunshine” and “Footloose” on the radio; I still can’t get over it. Any ideas on how to score away? 

Will I be seeing you at Wembley? It would be great to get a selfie of us all. And of course, I need my va-va-voom back in full flow for the final countdown to a trophy, dearest agony aunts! Chief executive Gazidis has promised a shiny statue of me, in my favourite cartoon pants, if we win a trophy. Here’s hoping…. 

Regards, 

O.G.

The French forward averages just one goal every five games away from home in the league – what can he do to stop the rot? Why can he not find the net outside the Emirates? Will the former Montpellier man pick up his first piece of silverware at Arsenal this season, in the form of the FA Cup? 

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