Offside Agony Aunts: Celebrity Writes in From Relegation Threatened Norwich

Dear Agony Aunts

How are you my lovelies? I’ve been looking forward to writing to you ladies for a long while now, but finding the best ingredients for sumptuous home cooking remains my all-consuming crusade. Who else will inspire busy sports journalists to eat well? And I know all about some of the horrendous sandwiches in many a press room that’s for sure!

I’ve had the privilege of sharing many executive boxes around the country, but none beat the box seat reserved for me. You’d think the pros of owning a football club include controlling the on-field matters, but let’s not be daft. I’m just a cheerleader for our boys, and that hasn’t ended too well in the past! I’m beginning to become a little fearful about whether I should attend the remaining games against Chelsea and Arsenal – I’m getting a bit ‘Delhi belly’ just thinking about it! Whilst viewing the shoddy defeat at the Liberty Stadium a couple of weeks back, a well-known guest asked me if it was squeaky bum time. I’d like to think it’s more soggy bottom time.

It’s been one of those seasons when I’ve gorged on too many meringues. That’s what a relegation battle does to you! On a similar note, just what has dear Ricky V.W. been eating? He can’t seem to score even if it was laid on a plate for him! Stephen Fry suggested we sell the poor lad. I’d like to think of our players as undercooked with need of some seasoning, don’t you agree? 

Talking of decisions, part of me regrets cutting our ties with Chris. He was ever the gentleman, but with multiple defeats against sides in the bottom half in the table it just had to be. The impact Neil Adams has had is tremendous. Is it too late? I’ve never been fond of carrying the wooden spoon in any walk of life. Don’t tell anyone that I’ve promised to hand Neil a free copy of my cookery books if we do stay up.

I’m really counting on our 12th man in the last remaining games! I’ve decided it’s time to put a touch of my inspirational thoughts around Carrow Road by placing copies of my 1988 spiritual book ‘A Journey Into God’ in the changing rooms. And perhaps a suitable pamphlet for the faithful on each seat before the remaining home game could be the perfect way to lift our team away from the hellish regions of relegation?

Writing to you has tickled my fancy for rustling up some chicken vindaloo. Let’s put some fire back in the belly. Come on, let’s be having you!

Loving regards,



P.S Lynsey, you never told me your brother played for us? I enquired as to how you were, but Gary glared at me like I was the wicked witch of East Anglia! I’ll have to sort out a reunion of some sort soon…

Can Norwich pick up points against Arsenal and Chelsea and retain their Premier League status? Was it the right decision to get rid of Chris Hughton so near to the end of the season? 

Find more Offside Agony Aunt letters here!

Follow @ShafLdn

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